May Miles: For All Mothers
We’re excited to be kicking off our Why We Run blog series! Each month, we’ll be dedicating our training miles to someone who’s inspired us on our marathon journey. In May, we devoted our miles to all mothers faced with cancer and all families grieving their losses, especially having just experienced our first Mother’s Day without Cookie here.
There are so many ways to respond to the loss of our mom: sadness, anger, fear, confusion, grief. Absolutely everything we do reminds us of Cookie and how much we miss her, and we’ve found ourselves longing for the memories we made while simultaneously mourning the moments and milestones our mom will never get to experience. This is one of the hardest things we could ever imagine going through. It’s something you think will never happen to you until it does, and the pain that follows has a gravity that can’t be put into words.
But then comes the reminder that even amidst the darkness, there will always be light.
As cliché as that might sound, this past year has forced us to find the light in every situation–it’s honestly the only way we’ve managed to keep moving forward. We find peace in the fact that our mom was never ‘sick,’ and that the only physical decline she experienced was at the very end of her life. She confided in us that she was terrified of not being able to walk again, so we take comfort in knowing that she’ll never have to miss a season of skiing or an afternoon stroll around the neighborhood. The only time we saw our mom cry during the years she had breast cancer was when she found out that the cancer had spread: not because she was afraid for own life, but because she was sorry for the impact it would have on ours. She laid a foundation for our family that will live on forever, and was absolutely intent on doing everything she could to set us up for happiness and success (“but happiness is paramount,” as Cookie always said). She was strong and selfless, and her resiliency and resolve to live serve as continued reminders to stretch towards the light.
Our hearts ache for anyone who has experienced loss. With the restrictions at Memorial Sloan Kettering necessitated by the COVID-19 pandemic, we grieve with the families who won’t get to visit their loved ones in the hospital or be all together one last time. We constantly think about how difficult it would’ve been to be in this situation and not be able to see our mom in her final days, or fear that she wouldn’t have been able to receive her treatment, or worry about her getting sick from something other than cancer. So regardless of whether the New York City Marathon ends up being postponed, we’re continuing with our training. With each mile we run, we find ourselves reflecting on how we’re not afraid of the physical distance of the marathon, but the emotional toll of not having our mom there cheering us on. So we run for all of the mothers battling cancer, and all of the families who are struggling with the darkness of this disease.
“The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.” -Galileo Galilei
Cookie was, and will always be, our sunshine. And no matter the miles, we will continue to celebrate our mom by always searching for the light and growing towards the sun.